Slow to Speak

James 1:19 My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, 20 for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.

This describes me pretty well.  I feel as though I am quick to hear and slow to speak.  Most of the time I do not get angry, and I rarely speak out of anger.  I tend to hold it in.  If you cannot tell from the first sentence, this will be a very personal post.  It will be a lot of information about me and how I work, why I do what I do and don't do what others think I should.

Earlier this week, I was accused (using the word lightly. I was not offended in anyway by what was said, because it was all true and is something I need to work on) of being too quite and unwilling to open up, particularly to those in my Bible Study group.  They are right.  I do not speak much in public.  I do not speak much in groups, unless I am close with every person in the group.  In just about every Sunday School class or Bible Study I have been in, I just sit.  I listen.  I do not volunteer answers.  If I am asked my opinion, I will usually give it if I have one.

Proverbs 23:12 Apply yourself to discipline and listen to words of knowledge.

Again, this is something that describes me.  I am the youngest person in my Bible Study.  I am the one who has the shortest marriage, the youngest child.  I know I am not the newest Christian, but given my background and the church I grew up in and the shape of that church's theology at that time (It has improved since then!) I did not know much of anything about a real life in Christ until about 4 years ago when my husband and I went to Kentucky for him to attend Seminary. (I do feel I was saved before then, just did not have an environment that encouraged growth.)  We learned then what a real Christ fearing church was supposed to be like.  Anywho, what I am getting at is that I view the other women in my Bible Study as having more experience in certain areas of life that we are specifically discussing and feel as though what they have to say will benefit me more than me opening my mouth with my inexperience in those areas.

I am also the type of person that must thoroughly think through what I want to say before I say it, especially if it is something that should require thought, like my position on certain theological issues or my opinion on certain things within the church.  I want to make sure I say what I want and I want to make sure I make sense in what I say without having to clarify or restate.  I mentioned to one friend that I express myself better through writing down what I want to say.  Even though this is true, it does not mean that writing down my thoroughly thought out responses to Bible Study questions will make me more inclined to speak and read what I wrote.  I am not very confident in what I say and write.  Yes, I have this blog, but I have not shared it with anybody I actually know, except my husband.

Another thing I thought of, is PLEASE do not look at me and say "You don't talk much" or "You are too quiet" because it makes me want to show you just how quiet I can be.  I put up a wall, as though I am being told that not talking or being quiet is a bad thing.  I get defensive about it, but instead to talking and arguing about it and showing my defensiveness verbally, I close up and hide behind myself.  I do not like to be argumentative.  I will simply smile at you and nod and not say one single word.

So, if you want to get to know me, I must first be let into your space.  I don't make friends well. I do not approach people I do not know unless I am with my husband.  (I will sometimes initiate a conversation with someone I do not know, but if I see them time and time again and they never approach me, then I tend not to go and start up more conversations with them, and I am talking more than a "Hey, how are you?" as they walk by, but a real sincere "how are you?"  One where you want to spend a while and talk.).  Most of my friends were people who first came to me and started conversations with me or as a result of befriending my husband first.  My husband and I love to have people into our homes and treat them to a meal.  I always have my husband ask people over.  I tell him to choose anyone he wants, and sometimes I tell him to choose a couple we do not know well, just for the purpose of getting to know them.  You will find, once inside our personal space, I open up a great deal more. One of my friends was told one time that I never speak to anyone, and her response was, "get her in a room alone with you, and that girl will talk."